So, my book is almost ready to be OFFICIALLY PUBLISHED. My lifelong dream is finally coming to pass, and all because of God. Ever since I was 10 years old and I wrote my first novel, I wanted to be the “Great American Novelist.” At 15 when I started writing poetry, I wanted to be a Great American Poet. Writing and publishing…that’s all I ever wanted to do. I started quite a few novels in my youth, but I never did finish them. I had books of poetry and only ever published a few poems. I had a handful of short stories that I planned on making into a novel, but that never happened, either.
After the birth of my son, the poetry tapered off quite a bit, only a few poems were written here and there as an outlet for my down moments (which is what my poetry always was). After I got saved, I wrote even less. I just gave up the dream figuring that my writing was just something that I had as that outlet for my angst and depression and that it was no longer a needed thing now that I had Jesus.
And then, one day, an idea was hatched in my mind for a story. Four years and 350 pages later, my book is now only a few weeks away from being “official” and I know if it wasn’t for Him that this book would not have been written. It was Him all the way. I have felt nothing but excitement over this endeavor but I have realized that the closer I get to the time of my novel going public, the more that some doubts and fear have begun to sneak in. Doubts over the story, doubts over the plot, fear of people not liking it and speaking poorly about it, or God.
And we’ve already talked about where fear and doubts come from. Not God.
It’s resistance and opposition from the enemy of our souls to keep us from coming into our God-given callings and dreams because he knows we are going to impact SOMEONE, and he hates that.
Since the beginning of my walk I have experienced quite a bit of resistance and opposition from the enemy. About six months into my walk, I woke up in the middle of the night and I KNEW that there was a demonic presence in my bedroom. I was paralyzed with fear. I opened my mouth to rebuke whatever it was and found that I could not speak. It’s like my mouth was anesthetized and full of glue. I kept trying and trying and finally I was able to speak and rebuke it in Jesus’ name. The presence left but from that night forward I was stricken with intense insomnia. For weeks (maybe even months, I honestly don’t remember) I received maybe 30 minutes of sleep per night. Thirty minutes (and no, I am not exaggerating, ask my husband). Do you know what that can do to a person? I honestly felt like I was going to go insane.
I couldn’t even nap during the day though I tried. I also tried EVERY natural “remedy” under the sun (herbs, creams, white noise, “sleep-inducing” scents, relaxation music/techniques, vitamins, change of diet, exercise, etc.) as well as a prescription antihistamine (once) and even an Ambien (once, and only once). I remember at one point I went over 52 hours without any sleep at all. Eventually sleep began to gradually come back however even to this day I go some of the time sleeping full nights uninterrupted and the other times waking up at least once a night and having to go downstairs on occasion to try and get some sleep…on the couch.
About halfway into writing this novel, I was put under the most intense attack of my life. I started to be afflicted with almost constant panic and anxiety. I started manifesting bizarre symptoms that sent me to the E.R. where they put me through a multitude of tests and found…absolutely nothing. I could barely eat, I could barely function. I had many prayers prayed for me, many times hands laid on me, I begged, pleaded and cried to God. The enemy had taken such a hold over my thoughts that suicide crossed my mind on more than one occasion. I would wake up and the second I was cognizant immediately these thoughts came in: “You’re never gonna get over this. You’ll never be free of this. There’s no hope for you. God isn’t real and if He is, you’re never going to get healed. It’d be better off if you just died.” Except the thoughts were in first person, like they were MY thoughts.
I remember I woke up one morning and this one word kept going through my mind: thanatos. I’d never heard that word before so I looked it up. It’s the Greek word for death (in Strong’s concordance it’s G2288: death, physical or spiritual.). Talk about frightening. The enemy was literally trying to kill me, somehow, someway.
We DO have an enemy, friends, and he is cunning, conniving, wicked, evil, hateful. He will stop at nothing to stop God’s children from coming into their full identity and inheritance. He knows your weaknesses so intimately because HE HELPED CREATE THEM. Isaiah 54:17 says “No weapon formed against you shall prosper.” The word “weapon” means something prepared and the word “formed” means molded; to determine; to fashion. Yes, he will prepare weapons against you in the form of a very specific individualized attack based solely on YOU, on your fears, your weaknesses. Any crack in the foundation is going to be absolutely exploited by him to bring you down.
If it hadn’t been for some very specific things, I would not have recovered from these attacks.
1: Holy Spirit baptism. Yes, it is for us now; yes, we need it; no, the baptism and its gifts did NOT “die with the death of the last apostle.” That’s completely unscriptural and just the kind of lies the enemy loves for people to believe for then they are without power.
2: A strong spiritual family and church fellowship.
3: Getting into the Word and digging deep for His truth and applying those truths to my life. This is where we find out who we are and what His promises are for us. You want to know God’s will for you? Read His Last Will and Testament (Bible).
4: God and His faithfulness. During this time He spoke to me often, gave me many prophetic dreams and patiently loved me into stronger places in my faith.
5: God still worked miracles and healings in my life and still worked healings through me as I stepped out and laid hands on others and prayed for them. Even though I was in a not-so-good place, even though I may have had doubts for my own self, I never doubted for others and God was so good and faithful to act on His Word and those moments of faith.
GET IN THE WORD. GET IN HIS PRESENCE. Praise Him, worship Him, seek Him. Resist the enemy. I cannot thank My Lord enough for never giving up on me, for strengthening me, for loving me and for giving me my life-long dream. I only want Him and more of Him. I pray the same for you, because it’s in His presence, in that secret place, that we are under His Divine protection and care, our Good Shepherd, our Abba Father. If we don’t, we are going to be casualties of this war, and that’s not what God intends for us, for you. He said no weapon will prosper, but we can’t act on what we absolutely do not KNOW. Get into the KNOW, friends, and crush the enemy under foot. STAND.
“The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.” Psalm 18:2-3